BlackBookArticle 14 : If a chick inquires about another Bros sexual history, a Bro shall honour the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.

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  • The Bro Code
    July IV, MDCCLXXVI
    ​When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for bros to settle a dispute, decent respect to the opinions of bro kind require that they should declare the causes which impel them to argue, though prudence says it’s probably a chick. We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all bros are created equal, though not necessarily with the same good looks or sense of style, and they are endowed with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of tail. To secure these rights, we present The Bro Code. It is the right of bros to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new code, but let’s face it, that’s a lot of work. Be it here resolved that henceforth when and if two gentlemen covet the company of the same wench, the bro who first calleth dibs on said wench shall be entitled sufferance for such time it takes to reasonably strike out or the duration of one half of an hourglass, whichever cometh first. At no point is it permissible for a bro to violate this right and cod piece block his bro, even if he hath consumed copious quantities of ale.

    Article I
    Bros before hoes.

    Article II
    A bro is always entitled to do something stupid as long as the rest of his bros are all doing it.

    Article III
    If a bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full grown. Corollary: Naming a lap dog after a pro wrestler or character from an action flick does not absolve said bro from this article.

    Article IV
    A bro never divulges the existence of the bro code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason. No, not even that reason.

    Article V
    Whether a bro cares about sports or not, a bro cares about sports.

    Article VI
    A bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other bros, such as in a gym locker room. Corollary: If a bro gets naked in a locker room all other bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening, while at the same time immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage, if a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes.

    Article VII
    A bro never sends a greeting card to another bro.

    Article VIII
    A bro never admits he can’t drive stick, even after an accident.

    Article XII
    Bros do not share desert.

    Article XIII
    All bros shall dub one of their bros their wingman.

    Article XIV
    If a chick inquires about a bros sexual history, a bro shall honor the ‘Brode of Silence’ and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are dumb than to tell the truth.

    Article XV
    A bro never dances with his hands above his head.

    Article XVI
    A bro should be able to at any time recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl and World Series.

    Article XVII
    A bro shall be kind and courteous to his coworkers, unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of screaming.

    Article XVIII
    If a bro spearheads a beverage run, he is entitled to any extra money accrued after canvassing the group.

    Article XIX
    A bro shall not sleep with another bro’s sister. However, a bro shall not get angry if another bro says “dude, your sister’s hot!”. Corollary: it’s probably better for everyone if bros just hide pictures of their sister/s when other bros are coming over.

    Article XX
    A bro respects his bros in the military because they have chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point because they can kick his @/$ six ways to Sunday.

    Article XXI
    A bro never exchanges notes about an antithetical bro’s smoking hot girlfriend, even if the bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the bro by saying “She’s hot, huh?”. A bro shall remain silent on the subject because, in this situation, he should be the only one bateing.

    Article XXII
    There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a bro.

    Article XXIII
    When flipping through channels with his bros, a bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring sports.

    Article XXIV
    When wearing a baseball cap, a bro way position the brim at either twelve or six o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped. If a bro fits under either of these classifications, he is excused from this article.

    Article XXV
    A bro doesn’t let another bro get a tattoo. Including but not limited to a girls name or tramp stamp.

    Article XXVI
    Unless he has children, a bro shall not wear his cellphone on a belt clip.

    Article XXVII
    A bro never removes his shirt in front of another bro unless at a resort, pool, or beach.

    Article XXVIII
    A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight.

    Article XXIX
    If two bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite cost saving, they shall not share a tub of popcorn.

    Article XXX
    A bro doesn’t comparison shop.

    Article XXXI
    When on the prowl, a bro hits on the hottest girl first because you just never know.

    Article XXXII
    A bro doesn’t allow another bro to get married until he is at least 30.

    Article XXXIII
    When in a public restroom, a bro:
    1.) looks straight ahead while using the urinal,
    2.) makes the obligatory comment ‘what is this, a chick’s restroom?’ if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee, and
    3.) Attempts to basketball toss his used paper towels into the trash can (rebounding is optional).

    Article XXXIV
    Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil’s three way (two dudes).

    Article XXXV
    A bro never rents a chick flick.

    Article XXXVI
    When questioned in the company of women, a bro always decries fake breasts.

    Article XXXVII
    A bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone.

    Article XXXVIII
    Even in a fight to the death, a bro never punches another bro in the groin.

    Article XXXIX
    When a bro gets a chick’s number, he waits at least 96 hours before calling her.

    Article XL
    Should a bro become stricken with engagement, his bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him.

    Article XLI
    A bro never cries. Exceptions: watching Field of Dreams, ET, or a sports legend retire.

    Article XLII
    Upon greeting another bro, a bro may engage a high five, fist bump, or bro hug, but never a full embrace.

    Article XLIII
    A bro loves his country, unless that country isn’t America.

    Article XLIV
    A bro never applies sunscreen on another bro.

    Article XLV
    A bro never wears jeans to a strip club.

    Article XLVI
    If a bro is seated next to some dude stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrests unless the dude has;
    A) Taken his shoes off
    B) Is snoring
    C) Makes the bro get up more than once to use the lavatory
    D) Purchased headphones after they announced the in flight movie is 27 dresses.

    Article XLVII
    A bro never wears pink. Corollary: when wearing a shirt to save the boobs.

    Article XLVIII
    A bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he or another bro has banged.

    Article IL
    When asked ‘do you need help’ a bro automatically responds with ‘no’. Exceptions: when involving and expensive car or TV.

    Article L
    If a bro should accidentally stroke another bro’s undercarriage with his arm while walking, both bros silently agree to continue walking as if it never happened.

    Article LI
    A bro checks out another bro’s blind date and reports back with a thumbs up or thumbs down.

    Article LII
    A bro is not required to remember another bro’s birthday.

    Article LIII
    Even in a drought, a bro flushes.

    Article LIV
    A bro is required to go out with his bros on St. Party’s day and other official bro holidays.

    Article LV
    Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another bro.

    Article LVI
    A bro is required to alert one and only one bro if the bro-chick ratio at a party falls below 1:1

    Article LVII
    A bro never reveals to score of a sporting event to a bro unless that bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

    Article LVIII
    A bro doesn’t grow a mustache.

    Article LIX
    A bro always posts bail for another bro unless its out if state or like crazy expensive.

    Article LX
    A bro shall honor thy mother and father for they were once bro and chick. However, a bro never thinks of his parents as bro and chick.

    Article LXI
    If for any reason a bro becomes aware of a bro and chick’s anniversary he will endeavor to make this information to the bro in the relationship whether the first bro thinks the second bro is aware of this or not.

    Article LXII
    In the event that two bros lock on to the same target, the bro who calls dubs first has dibs.

    Article LXIII
    A bro will make any and all efforts to provide his bro with protection.

    Article LXIV
    A bro must provide must provide a ticket to an event he is attending if said event involves the second bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.

    Article LXV
    A bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among bros.

    Article LXVI
    If a bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with his lady friend, his bros shall offer no more than an ‘aw, that sucks man.’ And copious quantities of a preferred beverage.

    Article LXVII
    Should a bro pick up a guitar at a party and begin to play, another bro shall point out that he is a tool.

    Article LXVIII
    If a bro is on a ‘hot streak’ another bro will do anything he can to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or generating the imminent fear the world will soon end. Exception: Dry spell trumps hot streak.

    Article LXIX
    Duh.

    Article LXX
    A bro will drive another bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip.

    Article LXXI
    As a courtesy to bros the world over, a bro never brings more than two other bros to a party.

    Article LXXII
    A bro never spellchecks.

    Article LXXIII
    When a group of bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in jockeying the bill, regardless of affordability.

    Article LXXIV
    At a red light, a bro inches as close to the rear bumper of the car in front of him.

    Article LXXV
    A bro automatically promotes another bro’s job status when introducing him to a chick.

    Article LXXVI
    If a bro is on the phone with a chick in front of his bros and for whatever reason desires to day ‘I love you’ he must first excuse himself from the room or deploy a subsonic tone.

    Article LXXVII
    Bros don’t cuddle.

    Article LXXVIII
    A bro shall never rack jack his wingman.

    Article LXXIX
    At a wedding, a bro always first seeks out an open bar for his group of bros.

    Article LXXX
    A bro shall make every effort possible to aid a bro in ‘riding the tricycle’ short of completing the tricycle.

    Article LXXXI
    A bro leaves the toilet seat up for his bros.

    Article LXXXII
    If two bros get into a heated argument about something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologize.

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